what are you thinking, like right now.
22nd May, 2007. 9:37 pm. ..and how do you feel about that?
therapy. (thr-p) n. - a treatment of illness or disability, systematic application of remedies to effect a cure.
okay. so i've been tossed around by a variety of different therapists since 8th grade. On and off for 4 years I've talked about my "feelings." Not that I don't love therapy, because really, its so liberating to get all of my baggage off my chest to someone who i know won't judge me. but when does it end?
the last part of the definition says ".. to effect a cure." a cure? i wish. if i've learned anything in treatment it's that there is no cure, life is recovery. i've been struggling lately feeling like i'm permenantly irreversibly screwed up. i mean, yeah, i'm 'working through things' and much farther along than those people that are in denial about their addiction or illness, but i still feel too different.
for example, i was at tlac last night and someone said something about, all this food they ate and how they were "fat and sassy." i just wanted to leave and vomit. and my friend andrew and i always had this horribly mean inside joke about noticing people that were really, really overweight. anytime i hear any sort of comment about really large or skinny people i morph back into that weak little person who wants nothing in the world but to look nice and be flawless.
flarless (flôls) adj. Being entirely without flaw or inperfection.
everyone always says, "nobody's perfect, if they were, life would be too boring." i never believed that as a kid. when we're little girls and our lives revolve around princesses and teen idols, we want nothing more than to be like them. i know i did. i was infatuated with jasmine from aladdin. i wanted to have long dark hair, be very tan and be able to wear her clothes and look perfect and be attractive to any guy, like she was.
jasmine was flawless to me. she never did anything wrong, everyone loved her. so growing up, and even to this day, theres still that little girl in me that wants to be jasmine. i mean obviously i dont walk around with a little blue outfit and a tiger, but the "idea" of jasmine. i find myself wanting every guy to be attracted to me and seem like the cool, collected girl that everyone adores.
how selfish is that right? i guess what im trying to say is, i feel like i've gone through some shit in the past 16 years that people sometimes go through in a lifetime. i feel very out of place lately. i mean, its nothing to do with my friends or anything like that. but to me, i feel like the pity friend.
i know that most people continue on through therapy their entire lives. maybe not on a weekly basis, but still have a therapist. i don't want to be one of those people.
basically, in six words... "i want to be cured already"
19th May, 2007. 1:12 pm. nostalgia
so my dad has gone on a mad cleaning spree. i just unpacked some random boxes from the move. a lot of old memories, pretty nostalgic. from a few summers ago and middle school. some of it was kind of hard to go through because it brought up a lot of both good and bad memories.
i dont regret anything i've ever done. i feel like it makes me the person i am today. i mean the addictions and trauma issues were not really a positive thing in my life, duh. but i would be really different without the knowledge and awareness i have now. i feel like without having those experiences or going through treatment, i would still be that superficial-"ohmagosh hows my hair"-kind of people.
i like who i am right now. i havent been able to honestly say that about myself in like, 4 years. i think things are really coming together. ill graduate next year and move on to a different part in my life that i will inevitably screw up but come out stronger lol.
basically, its like yes. i do feel rather shitty right now. but in the big picture, im proud of what i've done. =)
19th May, 2007. 12:09 am. the fun never stops
ugh. ive been stressing out lately, more than i've realized. today was a big check in for me as far as gaging the meter of where i feel i am on the every changing happiness scale.
i feel like i have a lot of good things going on. but today, was very whack. nothing necessarily in particular set me off. okay, well maybe seeing a random love interest that turned out to be so not worth all the effort, could have something to do with it. i guess, i never realized how incredibly codependent i am.
not even just with boyfriends, but relationships in general. i constantly need validation from others to know that i am liked, or else i end up feeling worthless and overthink every little thing. in the past i always sought out the "family-like" groups, like... the whole fierce four thing, that summer of kalardis/kandardis... i just want to be desperatley important to someone that i care about.
is that selfish? i can't tell. i end up feeling like a burden. i mean, i love andrew and geena and siobhan so incredibly much. i basically grieve that amazing summer(s) we had together. lol. but i feel like i shouldnt rely on others as my source of happiness.
and chelsea, its been so amazing lately. like, we've all been like best friends. but its just so awesome to have another person that you know you click with on so many levels and who is so incredibly supportive. but shes going away to school next year, i mean duh. we're so keeping in touch and staying friends. but i mean, even this summer and for however long we stay this close, i don't want her or anyone else to think of me as a burden. or that they're responsible for me.
ugh. i dont even know.
i want kids. right now.
17th May, 2007. 11:04 pm. finding the grey
so, we had a wonderfully interesting stimulating topic today in group. about feeling happy and good in your recovery, but doubting yourself. like, not believing that you may genuinely be happy.
i can't decide what i think about this. i've been reading this amazing book "BE" by AC Ping. and its written with the idea that happiness isnt an emotion, that its more like a state of being, or state of mind. like, if you were to just sit down for a moment and think about nothing but your life thus far, would you feel content or not?
so like, if you accept issues that come your way and take things with a grain of salt, bad things may happen but you can still allow yourself that happy state of mind. just like, if you're depressed, great things can happen in your life but you're still in that depressive state.
i always find myself in that all or nothing thinking. like the week is either going great or it sucks. lately, i've been feeling great! like, im feeling happy and excited throughout the day (except when im at home doing nothing but soaking my life up with soaps). i'm lucky to have a really great friend that i feel like i can always count on and my parents and i have pulled a total 180.
but its like, i cant let myself just be. next week something may trigger me and all hell will break loose and i'm going to have no motivation to do anything but diet and drink and obsess about my personality flaws.
i hate that. like, i want so badly to lead a "normal" life. and i know nobody leads a perfect life, that would be so mundane. but i don't want to have to flip out if i dont fit into something that i want to or if a guy that i have an interest for basically disses the heck out of me, i don't want to think that im so incredibly unattractive and like repellant to the male species.
we always hear that we have to take it one day at a time. and duh, that would be ideal. but its way easier said than done.
but i am feeling good this week =)
ive been two weeks abstinent and sober. =D
17th May, 2007. 9:29 am. feeling bloggish
okay. so my lovely best friend chelsea made this supremely kick ass website on her mac. unfortunately i do not have such capabilities, but it did put me back into a blogging mood. it has been a little over forever since i've done the whole xanga/live journal thing.
basically. my life has been a whirlwind of events over the past 6 months. i never thought in a million years that i'd be where i am right now. well, no one can predict the future, but where im at really is a strech. not enrolled in high school, in and out of treatment centers, becoming friends with my mother, therapy out my butt.. etc.
so here i am right now, sitting at my computer with a big cup of splenda with some coffee, in my pajamas, hoping for the phone to ring so it won't be another day consisting of nothing but television and myspace. being cooped up at home for the past month and a half has really brought out a lot of sides of me i never really thought about.
since ive spent a lot of time just 'hanging out' with myself, sometimes i'll just go to starbucks, bring a good book and sip splenda to just clear my head. when i was in my pre/early teens i always saw those artsy fartsy people with a scarf, glasses and laptop just sitting at a coffee shop doing their own thing and i always wondered what their 'story' was. now i find myself becoming one of those scarf-wearing, coffee-house-sitting people and i just can't grasp the concept of growing up..
not in a peter pan syndrome sort of way, just being one of those twenty-something independant people i always thought had the most glamourous lives of being all indie and living life by their own rules. i guess what im really trying to get across is that next year, i wont be living at home. i'm going to have my own life outside of my family, and school, and friends. part of that excites me, but theres another part thats wishing i could kind of rewind and have a do-over.
all those cheesy quotes say, 'you only live once. dance like no ones watching, sing like no one's listening and live each day as if it were your last"
they weren't kidding.